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Tuesday, July 12th, 2005

Subject:My MySpace...
Time:7:09 am.
Mood:Waking Up For Work.

Much <3

Jerbear comes today!!
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Monday, July 11th, 2005

Subject:How do i begin?>
Time:8:54 am.
Yesterday was such a long day. I worked my lifeguarding shit from 9-6 and then i filled in for Nikki from 6-8. So i worked from 9-8 and was actually not as tired as i thought i would be.
I went to the gym and had a great workout. I worked out for just over an hour and had no one to bother me. It felt great. I went home and was finally tired enough to sleep.
Today is my first day off this week.My plans are no where to be found. I am on my way to the gym when i get done with this post and then who knows? I had a good breakfast this morning.(1 scrambled egg and 1 banana) So i should be fine in the energy department. Ill update on what i end up doing.
Jerbear comes tomorrow.I am picking him up after work at his hotel. I think we are going to have dinner and just hang out. We'll see. I havent seen him since the last time he came up here to see me which i think was like 2 years ago. But i know it will be fun, it always is with us.
Much <3
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Tuesday, July 5th, 2005

Subject:So much has been said...
Time:11:16 pm.
Mood: drained.
In my last entry as well as the 20 some odd comments that have followed it. My only message is this: Max,Aaron,& Max's "Mysterious friend"-- give it up. You will not win in this battle with my friends. They love me, they care about me, and you will never be able to change that. We know what has been said, and i will post my final comments to yall here. I think that yall calling me immature and telling me that i act like im a 12 year is odd since your comments about my weight and my teeth and my chins were so immature..its not good to take some of your own medicine while making fun of someone else for it. Leave my friends alone, your snobby,rich-bitch ass will not solve this. You can write as many times as you want, but my friends are smarter. They think things through. And yes, they are my support system along with my father.You would not be ragging on me about calling my dad if you knew what a very close relationship to your father was. You will never understand, because it is not worth my time to explain it to you. Your ignorant,conceded, arrogant, cocky beyond reason, and immature to boot. Im done. Let it go, you lost...
So this weekend has been great! Although i have still been slightly sensitive still about this whole old friends bullshit, i have took my friends' comments to heart and have enjoyed every single one of them. I work all day saturday. Saturday night was pretty crazy and i ended up staying at Brandon's again.I was off sunday and did not do much.
July 4th was so crazy. i worked all day at the pool on a short staff. There ended up being a count of around 650 there that day. The game segment was fun though, i will admit.
After work, the girls and I ate at Bojangles and then went to the marina. We skinny dipped and swam for forever. Alcohol was involved but i only had 2 beers. This morning came too early after 3 hours of sleep. Work was fine-just really long. We had 5 lifeguards all day long. WTF!!
Working all day tomorrow and then a much needed day off on thursday.Nikki P and i are starting our Moe's tradition back up for dinner tomorrow night. Chase and I are planning to hang out on thursday and then im definitely eating Liner (Lunch &Dinner) with Cata Noelle, Kels, and Nikki...
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Thursday, June 30th, 2005

Subject:What a HELL of a vacation...
Time:2:36 pm.
Mood: Homesick....
Well it went well up until like the weekend...not many days right? Then, i saw the true people..not the camp people...reality set it.
Max is the biggest jerk ive ever met in my life. I could not believe that he would be this way. I always looked up to Max at camp and thought that he had such a big heart and that he was so sweet.When i got here, i met a different person. Max and I were fine until like Saturday and then he started being rude and conceeded.(Spelling?) He is arrogant, inconsiderate and arrogant. I have never met someone that i do not get along with like this. But we talked about it on Monday and treid to get past it. We went to Dnails house and were fine until Tuesday. We left Chili's, which Max and I were already saying shit to eat other in a sarcastic way, and went to the car. Chase called me, and after he told me what he needed to tell me, we started to chit chat because i really missed him. Well Dnail was driving and the music was loud and i was like "You guys im still on the phone, hold up a minute" and Max looks at me and says "Well im singing." Then Aaron turned the music up. This was my final straw because i am not about to be disrespected by high schoolers. Or by anybody for that matter. I was furious... and i told them about it. From then on, it was nothing but tension between Max and Aaron and I. Last night,more shit happened, but this time it was so bad i had to call my dad and cry... Max jumped on me and told me that no one here likes me and no one here wants me to be here and that i should just go home...i definitly would have loved to have gone home...trust me...Whats worse is that i thought that Brad was my friend and i thought that he would sitck up for me, but he didnt. He just agreed with Max...and i have to sit next to Brad on the plane tomorrow morning!! AAHHH!!! Lots more happened, just dont have the time to write.
My great grandmother died yesterday. I didnt get a chance to go and tell her that i loved her or that i would miss her or even good bye...i was so hurt, but i know that she is in a better place...Max,Brad and Aaron didnt give a shit...it was so disgusting to me.
Home is sounding so great to me. My family has really been my support line while i was here...My father and mother especially. My dad and mom are on the verge of tearing Max,Aaron, Brad, and Max's parents a new asshole...they are not happy.
Thats all for now, i have to go hide away again before the boys come home from the pool...ill write an update tomorrow or sunday. (My days off)
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Tuesday, June 21st, 2005

Time:2:23 pm.
Mood: crazy.
Just Tell Her You Think She is amazing...Play with her hair,
Pick her up and Pretend to throw her-She will scream &fight but she will secretly love it,hold her hand, pick flowers from other peoples yards and give them to her...tell her she looks Beautiful...Tell Her stupid jokes just to hear her laugh..Throw rocks at her window at night,Play in the Snow,Call her for no reason,jump on the bed with her,Sing to her[No matter how Bad You are]..Get Her Mad.....Then Kiss her..When She least expects it...
~This is a feeling..and emotion...use it wisely~
Tomorrow is the big day!! Im going to work, handing over my keys, and then going to Gaffney. This will be a good vacation, and i will make sure of it. I had a great time yesterday, i dont think i could have thought of a better way to spend my day off. Thanks.

Today..i worked at TPC, then i went to Walmart to get gas for my trip and stuff to clean my car with. Then i headed to the doctors office, and then i am heading off with Cata Noelle to hang out instead of going to the rodeo. Should be a fun night...oh yeah, i have to do some packing in between..oops..... Mucho <3
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Sunday, June 19th, 2005

Subject:So you say you know...
Time:8:30 pm.
Mood: crushed.
but there is no way to tell how difficult this week has been.
Ive been working long hours just to ensure that we dont get kicked out of the apartments. I want to help my dad in any way that i can, and this at the moment is it. But my next paycheck does not fall when the rent is due so i think i might get this money.Thanks mom...
Im in the middle of an arguement with a friend- a friend i thought was a good friend. I hate fighting with him because this is not the petty shit that we do, we were different. But i have a pet peeve about friendships. I dont like to be important to you and be a good friend and then the next thing happens and im no one. Im sure that i am not the only one who feels this way in their friendships, but i feel like i dont need to be taken for granted. I am a good friend and i will be there for this person even when he is choosing to ignore me and only focus on those in his new surroundings.I just hate this feeling and i hate the feeling that he thinks im immature, but yet, just a few months ago, he thought i was mature enough to fancy me...im confused and i dont want to try to figure it out. It just hurts...
I worked today,went to Cindy's for dinner and then drove home. On the way, i stopped in to see Jaimee's headstone. It is so appropriate for her. It has her name, the dates she was alive, and her mothers saying...accomanying this is a brass vase with faux pink roses. Around the vase is a pink ribbon and a pink little sign that says 'youre an angel'.I lost it.. i still cannot cope and im not sure how. Im not sure how to let her go and how to let god. On the way home i got to thinking again about my grandpa. Its fathers day, and he cant celebrate it. So i called my grandmas house. (On the answering machine, he recorded the message and they let it there. Therefore, whenever i want to hear his voice, i can just call the house.) I was already i tears from seeing Jaimee, and from not having a Grandpa to wish happy father's day, and my grandma answered the phone. I wanted to scream, cry and hang up all at the same time. I knew in the state that she was in, that i couldnt tell her to hang up. So i nicely and as not-cryingly as i could and asked her to not answer the phone when i called. She did that and i got to hear grandpa. I had to pull off the side of the road. I just miss him so much. He was so intelligent and always had something new and exciting to teach me or tell me about. He always wanted to make sure that his grandchildren had Josh Early Lollypops. He always made sure that we knew he loved us. I need him and his reassurance and whats worse is that 1000 miles away from him or anyone that cares for him. I have to cope bymyself and even my therapist says she is worried. The one year anniversary is coming up right before my birthday. I dont know how to explain my pain, i dont know how to cope, i dont know how to bring him back....i just want him back.
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Friday, June 10th, 2005

Subject:So...maybe things dont always have to be on the up...
Time:6:10 pm.
Mood: mellow.
As fast as the summer is going, i feel like it is at a stand-still.So many things are happening, both good and bad....

My work hours are long and so tiring. But, when the paychecks come in, it is usually so much better. Well..we got an eviction notice today and instead of me having the paycheck, i gave it to my dad. I dont want to get thrown out of these apartments. They are nice apartments. This yet again makes me so mad at my mother. Makes me the more bitter. Makes me resent her even more. I love her, but some of the things that she is still doing to me and my father, make our life more difficult than it has to be. Bitch...!

Tommorrow is the Toby Keith concert...I know it will be a wicked awesome time. Brandon,Lil John, Barry,Kyle,Opi,Kim,Nikki,Britt,Margue and even Trey. Tailgating around 5:30pm and then the show at 7:30pm. Then a wonderful day off on sunday. I look forward to this weekend.

Now...my thoughts...(venting kinda)
I miss my dad. I miss him and the company he brings me. Its so funny, because im still living with him-im not even gone yet. But i never see him...he is always working and as am i.Last monday, it was so great.We had lunch together and even had enough time to go see The Longest Yard togather before we had to go to work. He is such an amazing man and thinking about it, i will miss him so much more when i leave in August.
My grandmother is not in good shape at all. There are so many things that i would like to tell her, but she is not in the right frame of mind to tell her them. Then again, i had so much to tell my grandpa, but he had a heart attack the week before my birthday (17) and i wasnt able to tell him. I cant get over not having him here. It has almost been an entire year and i am still in disbelief. The time is coming around again for the anniversary of his death and im afraid that if im alone, i might loose it. Im not ready to face it yet.I cry so much now. I never used to cry this much, but just little tings. The little things that remind me of him, or of Kelly or of Jaimee.
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Thursday, June 2nd, 2005

Subject:Another dreary day at the pool....
Time:10:31 am.
Mood: sleepy.
but my mood about everything is improving. Last night, Nik and I met up with a few people for some fun. We met up wit Ty Tee, Justin, Alicia and Ashley for some bowling. Yea- we bowled one game...i got 2cd place. But Justin was being a dick for some reason to me and Alicia just doesnt like me. Maybe its because i told her she was a douch bag and that i dont like her....hhmmm my mind wanders...

Then, Nik and i met up with Brandon,Lil John, and Margue. We all went down to Walmart on a candy run for Margue. We ended up spending about 2 hours in there and scared almost all the employees and guests. Does the phrase 'dirty mexican' sound appealing? Anywhoo....we got asked to leave very nicely (there way of kicking us out) because we were too rowdy for the other guests...um whatever.

Nik and I went got home and tried to sleep. (She stayed at my house) Needless to say....not much sleep came for either of us. We are heading out again tonite, and i think she is staying over again as well. Tonite, im going to take a sleeping pill!!!!!

Other news: pay checks come out tomorrow. I leave for college in 75 days. You cant be a dirty mexican in walmart. Nightmares are inevitable. My vacation is coming up at the end of the month! (Max, Brad, Aaron, Steph!!) Only one more year and 4 more months until i can trade my car in for a truck!! And....i havent had sleep in two days and am so burnt out...maybe its lunch time...!<3
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Wednesday, June 1st, 2005

Time:9:54 am.
Mood: blah.
Last night was wickedly great. Nikki, Britt,Lisa and I went to the rodeo. We had an awesome time and i would not have traded it for the world!! My girls always know how to get me out of the house and cheered up after a shit head like Chase did what he did. I love you girls...

Im on my break from work.....drab day...rainy outside and no one to come swim. But im still supposed to be there until 4pm. Go Wakefield.

Updates: Josh bought an apartment. Jerbear is coming to see me in July. Nikki has a hot ass according to 2 guys. Im going off to college in 77 days. My vacation is at the end of this month. Chase is an asshole. Mike and I are talking to each other again. (A small step, but a step) and i get off work at 4pm.

Quote of the day: "You can change the world."
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Sunday, May 29th, 2005

Subject:Does it have to be Inevitable?
Time:9:56 pm.
Mood: uncomfortable.
Does it have to mean heartache? Why, after all that i do, all that i give, as much as i try, am i not good enough? Why am i not a good catch? Why am i the one with so many problems? And why am i at home crying?

I feel so hurt and so betrayed. I will never put myself out there--ever. I hate this feeling and i dont want this to become the norm. Ive been crying for 2 1/2 hours and i feel like shit. There is no other way to put it...it is simply that. I feel abandoned, i feel distraught, i feel disheartened, i feel ashamed, and most of all-- i feel alone.

If you didnt care, then why did you pretend? If you didnt love me, why did you say so? If you wanted me around so bad, why did you push me away?If i was your kryptonite, then why could you avoid me?

Why is lieing acceptable to you, but not for me? Why is it that you have to persecute me for my one small lie, but yet you get nothing for lieing about everything that we were.

I cant do this anymore. I cannot open myself up to someone-- the risks are not worth taking. They are not worth the tears and the heartbreak. I have given up...
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Wednesday, May 25th, 2005

Subject:WOW-- this week gets better and better....
Time:5:19 pm.
Mood: shocked.
Well- Gma and i have had a very eventful day. We went to Linens and Things, Bed,Bath and Beyond,Olive Garden, Goodberry's and Walmart....
We ended up picking out almost all of my dorm stuff for the fall that i am going to need...and we did it under $200...

Then, we went home to tell Gdaddy and my father...and there was a package from Fed-Ex for me....My aunt Sharon and Uncle Gary gave me a gift for graduation...But-- this is no ordinary gift...! This was $200 Dollars!!!!! I was so overjoyed to have everything paid for and this lifted off my shoulder that i cried. (ill admit it)

Much <3
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Subject:OK One More Day!
Time:10:07 am.
Mood: busy.
Well this week has been such a busy week! But tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow is finally graduation from WHS....!

Everyone is coming down tomorrow besides my gma and gdaddy...they've been here since sunday. Im excited that most everyone that i invited are going to come.

Everyone has been really nice to me this week except for Chase. But i think ive grown to expect it...as bad as that sounds. But im over it now...i dont care...if he wants to act like that- he can get the fuck away from me, because i dont have to take his shit--i have better things to do...Much <3
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Thursday, May 12th, 2005

Subject:I need to let it out somewhere...
Time:8:34 pm.
Mood: frustrated.
This is brutal truth, dont read this if you cant handle it or dont want to know..
For some reason, these last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion. I have felt every feeling that i could have felt at any point. My latest is frustration. Im frustrated with school, school work, my father, and even my friends.
Now, i may be very sesnitive right now, but people who are close to me should know when im sensitive or not--its always written on my face. Well it seems as if, in the last few weeks, my close friends keep drifting farther and farther away from me. Nikki has barley talked to me since we went to the rodeo, i havent talked to Erica since that night, and even Chase. Ive been really close to Chase, because he knows me. We dated for so long, and he just knows me. But this whole week, he has been the biggest asshole ive ever seen.He has been avoiding me whenever possible and all that normal "im a guy" bullshit. This is pretty much unlike him. And, its pissing me off that he gives me 0 consideration. After this whole time, im still no body to him. Which i must say is largley unfortunate. I just have an overwhelming feeling of everyone drifting away, and im starting think it is becase of me. I mean, this is the time im supposed to be happy and almost carefree right? Well im not. Im not because friends have always been absolutly everything to me, and right now, they are drifting and im left to wonder why.

With school, im just so ready to be done. I am having a real issue with alot of the students at WHS. They are all so spoiled and it is really showing now. Plus, people who dont know me are being bitchy to me and sayin shit about me. Who the hell are they to have that authority? They dont know who the hell i am. They dont know what im capable of or what ill be capable of one day. GGrrr....I spent another period in ISS, this time for Mrs. Marsh. She has been out to get me ever since i got her caught cheating on absences by the administrators. I am so not happy about her attitude and the disrespect she keeps showing me. Not everyone else, just me. So she told me not to interrupt her today (in her bitchy tone towards me) and so i told her she was a bitch. And believe me, i could have come up with so much more to say.But i was content for now...after i graduate, that could be a different story.

Then how bout this one for a kicker. I have cheered with Elite Cheer and Dance for almost 3 years now. I quit due to stress, school work and Prom, well in advance of our last competition. Well, not only are they rude to me now, but they dont even want me to attend the awards banquet tomorrow night. I dont want to eat, and i dont want to stay long. Only for like a 1/2 an hour or so, but they suggested in a harsh but somehow civil way that i not attend, but that i say my goodbyes to everyone by driving to the gym for one of the practices. What a load of bullshit....i spent so much time and did so much shit for them, and what happens? I get shitted on and told not to come to my last awards banquet. Bitches.

Im through with caring, i dont give a shit anymore. I am going to develope a tougher skin, and no one will be able to hurt me or break my heart ever again. Its just not worth it to me. I dont think that i need to feel like this so everyone can be happy.
Fuck all this shit.
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Tuesday, May 10th, 2005

Subject:Wow...i just read this....
Time:10:17 pm.
For those who have a close mind and for those who have an open one....


How true is this?!?!
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Subject:A different Phunk, but still important...(Venting)
Time:10:02 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Man, i tell ya.... im in a phunk right now, and im not so sure i know how to get out. This is supposed to be such a special time and such an important time. Yet, i dont feel special by any means. I feel more let down and rejected than anything else. I mean, friends that i have always been close with are dropping like flies and suddenly have things to do. Other people that ive been extremly close to are just finding 'other' things to do. (Which really means that they have more important things to do than to hang out with me...) I hate this feeling, this feeling of being so bitter. I dont want to end my high school stuff here on a sour attitude. (b/c people made it that way)

Then, the only vacation that i had planned all summer long, my dad told me tonite that i cant go. When the hell am i going to be old enough? Mature enough? Smart enough? WTF?!?!?! I cant afford a senior trip anywhere like everyone else at WHS, so i was going to drive to see my friends, but i cant do that. Im so pissed off right now.

I guess it doesnt help that i hardly slept a wink last night, and i might be a little tired.
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Monday, May 2nd, 2005

Subject:Im sort of in a phunk (funk)....
Time:6:40 am.
Mood: frustrated.
This weekend was great...went down to Jacksonville,Nc and then to Esmerald Isle and then on to Morehead city.I had a blast with 23 of us and i would not change one minute of it. And man is my body sore from the beach olympics we had...oww...

I have been thinking alot lately.... i have come up with this>> I am frustrated..frustrated with me, my actions, my thoughts, everything. I realize that not everyone is going to like me, but people that i thought like me all along, were really covering the fact up that i might not have been good enough. Im sick of crying over this stuff, over being hurt by people.But for some reason, i cant bring myself to be stronger and not trust so easily. I will just keep getting hurt and heartbroken. One day i will learn, right? Much <3
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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005

Subject:Busy Busy Bee
Time:3:39 pm.
Mood: busy.
Im so busy....no fun!
But alas, the end is finally near and i will be out of high school for good soon. I have had a difficult two days...just one thing after the other, one rude person after the other. I have so much work to do, and so many things to do....grrr...what order do i do them in?
I have 2 projects that are major due next week, and i have my beach retreat this weekend and i have to plan graduation and all that stuff. I have freshman testing for UNCP on May 14th and i have to make up a day at the Food Bank for NC some other time.
Chase and I got into yet another arguement last night because i felt like he was being a jerk. I didnt want to and didnt have to tak his attitude, so i left. It seems as if im over it, but he is still holding a grudge. Oh well..
Much <3..
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Saturday, April 23rd, 2005

Subject:Its been a little while...
Time:9:23 am.
Mood: tired.
Well, its been so busy around here, i just havent had the time. Im finally in the home-stretch.... less than one month until no more school for me.I went and got my nails done yesterday for Prom and im getting my hair done in a little while...Prom is tonite...

Picked up Chase and Mrs.Morris at the airport this morning at like 1:15am. They looked really tired, but oh so cute. Chase got a hair cut, and i think it looks fantastic.

Still dont know where my dad is...oh well, its breakfast time. Ill update more when i have something to actually say.
Much <3
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Sunday, April 10th, 2005

Subject:The Pageant Weekend came to a close...
Time:8:54 pm.
Mood: nostalgic.
But i had a blast. The competitionwas fierce, but i really did enjoy everyone there. There were 23 girls for the South Carolina pageant and 50 girls for the North Carolina pageant. I won Most Congenial and got 11th place out of 50. Not too bad im thinking...The only part was the driving to and from Charlotte. But it was worth it in the end. Shout-out to Kelly (My roommate..)

Not looking foward to school this week- considering i got kicked out of one class and sent to ISS friday morning because Parker cant get laid. (Dont ask..)

Friday night was fun....Chase and I went to dinner after MAJOR drama with Erica...i hate being attacked by the way...im not calling her, its not my fault or responsibility.... and then Chase and I went and saw Sahara. I though that was a great movie and i reccomend it highly.I even got tucked in and a big hug. (Chase is sweet when he chooses to be--mind you only when we are alone, when his friends are around....different story...)Then-tonite at church he was a dick head again. And he didnt once think to call me at all this weekend to wish me luck. Im not down with that Bullshit-- and i will admit that my heart and my patience is wearing extremly thin...

On thursday night, Kim and I went to go see Miss Congeniality 2 and thought that was a pretty good movie. We saw a movie preview for "The Journey of the Traveling Pants" and have not stopped laughing at it since. Hehe...:)
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Sunday, April 3rd, 2005

Subject:So i guess its been a little while huh....
Time:2:33 pm.
Mood: busy.
For you Joshypoo...Ok, well Spring Break was awesome and i will never forget all the stuff that we did.

Im back home now, and its been fun.I had hell trying to get home from florida, and ended up not getting home until Easter sunday. Which wasnt too big of a deal, i didnt miss anything special. Since then, my car has died and i had to replace my battery.(Mind you, this happened on the same day..) Then i cleaned my room this week and tried to focus on my homework...which i will admit has been difficult...damn senioritis.

Then i had my mammogram done (Not my choice) and two different ultrasounds. They have decided that they are 2 non-cancerous tumors that might or might not grow. They are gonna take them out in July.

Had lifegaurd training again yesterday.( To get recertified) and then went to Chase's house to watch the two NCAA games. UNC won...yes thats right..GO TARHEELS...! (Mind you, Duke is sucky...)

Today is my errands and busy work day...give the cell a call..Much <3..
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